So, SG's Founding Father passed away this week.

I would callously say that this didnt come as a huge surprise. Simply because I have seen how frail he has become this past few years, and coupled with the increased amount of times he has been hospitalized and stuff. I thought I would not have any huge feelings over his passing, for the simple reason that I couldnt care less about politics. I cant be bothered with what the government do as long as it keep SG running and prosperous and blah blah. I believe that under the leadership of PAP we will continue to do relatively well. I couldnt be bothered to examined deep into the reason behind each and every law and policies passed but I believe that its for the good of SG. And that is what I do care and only care about.

Heck, even after I received news about his passing via insta where multiple people posted his photos and the various hashtags about remembering him, my first reaction was to yell across the house and ask my mom about it (more of a question under the assumption that she wouldnt know) and thinking to myself well its bout time I guess he has been really weak and sick. Kind of cold heartedly because I am kinda cold hearted.

But with the news broadcasting and all the social media websites spamming his stuff, I started crying for no goddamm reason, and has been continuing to do so for these past days whenever I see news about his passing and stuff he did and all those footages. Its so bewildering because I dont cry. The only time I cry is when I feel like I have been wronged and treated unfairly. Funniest part is when I cry even harder when I see news of him and his wife, while smiling at the same time like a retard.

I supposed I did care. Even if in the past I can comment callously to my mom that he is about to pass away when I see him on tv, all frail and weak. Even more so when his wife passed away. The crying feels wrong because I think he would be happy. His precious child is all grown and prosperous, looking to celebrate its golden jubilee year all thanks to his efforts. Majority of his life has been given to this precious child, now its time for him to truly enjoy the later years happily with his late wife.

All these sudden outburst all because of a photo on insta where a friend posted a photo I took. His name under the prime minister posting at his chair in the old parliament house. I remember how excited I was at sitting at that chair and telling my friend that I want to take a photo with it. Because this is the chair where one of the greatest man in Singapore has sat in while making major decisions for the young Singapore.

I wish I could go to the memorial. But I hate funerals. And I especially hate the part where you will get to pay respect to the dead by the coffin. No one will ever look at my blog except for me but I still wish to thank you, Mr Lee, for all that you have done and achieved on the behalf of all Singaporeans. Thank you.

NO SUGAR DIET

Or rather less sugar diet

Been chancing upon all those article about how sugar is the new drug and how it crashes the body function and stuffs. Its unhealthy simply because its in excess in every single shit that is present in the food we eat. Snacks and drinks are just part of them. Its like a drug because the more we consume, the more we want. So once we are 'addicted' the the sugar, we start seeking food that contain them in high amounts: soda, sugary snacks, blah blah

Actually its quite rare for me to even want to do this kind of things. I dont really care about what I eat. I scream and complain that I am at but you wont find me having any problems shoving that fourth piece of pizza into my mouth. Hahaah. Woes of a glutton, And I love sugar. Not that much of I like sweet stuff. On the contrary, I dont really like sweet things. Stuffs like cakes, cupcakes, macaroons, in essence the things that girls like, I find them too sweet for my liking. So even if I do eat them, its in small amounts and they are usually pushed to my happy friends.

But, I loveeee sugar drinks. Esp Jasmine green tea. Ohhhh I drink gallons of it (drinking one now even as I list how its bad for me hahha) The daily recommended intake for women is 25g a day andddd one bottle of green tea contains 15g. More than half and I dont just drink one a day. I love that stuff. Its awesome

SO the reason for wanting to do this? Because my body is crashing. Like my body feels like it belongs to a 80 years old rather than a young supposedly healthy 22. I wake up every morning feeling like I am going to die, with that heavy feeling in my chest and and dizziness in my head. I pant and huff doing the slightest exercises, and feels tired all day long even when I sleep like there is no tomorrow. bad. very very bad. Looking at the bottles of green tea I drink in a week, I kind of dont blame my body. With all that sugar in the system and no exertion, its like a machine having a algae overgrown in the gears.

So. Aim 1: Stop drinking sugar drinks. In fact all bottle drinks. Water will be my only liquid consumption.


Aim 2: Reduce on snack intakes.

 This is actually pretty easy because I dont eat much in the first place. Stopped having cravings for chips and the last time I bought chips, I left it the cupboard until it was necessary to clear it for space muahaha

Aim 3: Eat healthier!

This is like a super challenge because I have my 3 meals outside. Staying in hall takes a toll on your meal choices. You almost always end up picking on the easiest or the cheapest. Bah. Plus the unhealthy food tastes like wayyy better than the healthier one. But oh well, I guess its quite easy too since my appetite has dropped to rock bottom and is continuing its way down to the deep dark abyss. I cant even remember what happened in the first place already.

Oh wait I can, Cheer. Ah. Training everyday. Exerting strength and mental alertness. It totally drained me of all energy. Lost appetite and hey presto, it last even till now even though its been 2 months since the competition ended.

Okay. I guess its a relatively simple change in diet? Pretty sure I will save tons of money as well. Good news for the broke me who is saving up for Australia :D

Maybe I should keep track of my diet and body changes. If I actually bothered to. Hah

maybe.

We were supposed to be best of friends. but somehow I realised that we will never be as close, or rather I would never feel as close to you as I would to them. The i wondered why. Then I thought of the past 'betrayals'. looking back, its obvious to me that its really just my own fault for placing too much reliance on others for company, and that the effect of that is when I lost your friendship, I lost everything that the friendship brought along: interaction with others, company, sense of belonging.  and being alone at that time for me, was hell, even if I didnt show it. 

then life happened. I form new friendships. I guessed in a way i was learning to be independent. then i got closer to the group of people. then we got closer. and closer. in a way I think it was familiarity more than any other things. we went home together everyday. I guess it was kind of accepted that we should be close. and that was what I thought at that time. 

then life continued. and I met this two amazing people. the them, who somehow managed to accept me. the highly flawed, conflicting, unwelcomed me. it feels like heaven finally saw how much I went through, and decided to award me with awesomeness. double awesomeness. the best part was getting closer to them. via meetups. travelling. meeting each other for every week. doing crazy things together. and best of all, creating memories. I didnt tell them, but they are the best thing that had ever happened on me.  and even if the actual distance between us was so far, it always feels like the times I last saw them was last week. the distance never changed. and somehow it managed to shorten. I never ran short of things to tell them. even if momentarily there was silence, we quickly filled it up with us. like time was too short to keep silent. we need to tell each other.

then university. I think we changed. most tangible was how often we talked of the past. it feels like we are trying to find that old feelings by talking about the old times. like through this way we will find that feelings of closeness, of being innocent. but, one thing was pretty obvious: i felt less close. maybe it was growing up, maybe it was the physical distance. maybe i stopped relying. maybe you got tired. maybe. but i most definitely changed. maybe i matured. maybe you matured. but I could lie and say something happened, just to avoid meeting. I could pretend to be tired just to not converse. I stopped caring about whether you did things I like or not. Like continued texting when we meet. like this. like that. I no longer bothered to tell you that I dont like it. I just ignored. and I felt irritated when you attempted to salvage, and ended up making it like it was my fault. didnt like it once, wont like it twice. 

then you started being involved with matters of the heart. maybe I am jealous. maybe I am. maybe. or maybe we are just two entirely different people when it comes to such matters. regardless of what I say I know you will never listen. but I still did. I wonder why. you say you want a soft listening ear and encouragement. like i never gave it. maybe I didnt. but I cant really be bothered. we are too different, and its so fixed that I dont want to continue trying anymore. did you realise that I stopped talking about myself? it was almost always you. and it wasnt only when you didnt want to continue talking about how broken you are. maybe it was just me. maybe I didnt talked about myself enough. maybe I was too closed up. maybe because I never remembered enough to talk about it. but I stopped talking. 

it feels like I just, truly and absolutely gave up. I dont know. and kind of dont want to know. I hate feeling like the bad guy. even if I was trying to make you better. even if. yet I am always like the bad guy. there is nothing left to talk between us. even if you say its comfortable silence. but it remains that I dont have anything to say to you. or I dont want to say anything to you. maybe. 

I feel sad. and I dont know why. maybe its time to rethink. 

A million years

After neglecting this for after like a full year..

Or rather neglecting almost all stuff. Like my tumblr. pinterest. twitter. and this space.

life is pretty good. I guess.

my 21st is coming soon. I cant really grasp the concept of me getting nearer to adulthood. Its, so scary.

Everything about the future is uncertain. I think I can only pay attention to what is immediate.

But, still. Life is good.

Another baby

Finally, I upgraded to a smart phone with data. After a year of being out of contact with groups and various rubbish. Quite a journey. And I am happy with my new baby.