We were supposed to be best of friends. but somehow I realised that we will never be as close, or rather I would never feel as close to you as I would to them. The i wondered why. Then I thought of the past 'betrayals'. looking back, its obvious to me that its really just my own fault for placing too much reliance on others for company, and that the effect of that is when I lost your friendship, I lost everything that the friendship brought along: interaction with others, company, sense of belonging. and being alone at that time for me, was hell, even if I didnt show it.
then life happened. I form new friendships. I guessed in a way i was learning to be independent. then i got closer to the group of people. then we got closer. and closer. in a way I think it was familiarity more than any other things. we went home together everyday. I guess it was kind of accepted that we should be close. and that was what I thought at that time.
then life continued. and I met this two amazing people. the them, who somehow managed to accept me. the highly flawed, conflicting, unwelcomed me. it feels like heaven finally saw how much I went through, and decided to award me with awesomeness. double awesomeness. the best part was getting closer to them. via meetups. travelling. meeting each other for every week. doing crazy things together. and best of all, creating memories. I didnt tell them, but they are the best thing that had ever happened on me. and even if the actual distance between us was so far, it always feels like the times I last saw them was last week. the distance never changed. and somehow it managed to shorten. I never ran short of things to tell them. even if momentarily there was silence, we quickly filled it up with us. like time was too short to keep silent. we need to tell each other.
then university. I think we changed. most tangible was how often we talked of the past. it feels like we are trying to find that old feelings by talking about the old times. like through this way we will find that feelings of closeness, of being innocent. but, one thing was pretty obvious: i felt less close. maybe it was growing up, maybe it was the physical distance. maybe i stopped relying. maybe you got tired. maybe. but i most definitely changed. maybe i matured. maybe you matured. but I could lie and say something happened, just to avoid meeting. I could pretend to be tired just to not converse. I stopped caring about whether you did things I like or not. Like continued texting when we meet. like this. like that. I no longer bothered to tell you that I dont like it. I just ignored. and I felt irritated when you attempted to salvage, and ended up making it like it was my fault. didnt like it once, wont like it twice.
then you started being involved with matters of the heart. maybe I am jealous. maybe I am. maybe. or maybe we are just two entirely different people when it comes to such matters. regardless of what I say I know you will never listen. but I still did. I wonder why. you say you want a soft listening ear and encouragement. like i never gave it. maybe I didnt. but I cant really be bothered. we are too different, and its so fixed that I dont want to continue trying anymore. did you realise that I stopped talking about myself? it was almost always you. and it wasnt only when you didnt want to continue talking about how broken you are. maybe it was just me. maybe I didnt talked about myself enough. maybe I was too closed up. maybe because I never remembered enough to talk about it. but I stopped talking.
it feels like I just, truly and absolutely gave up. I dont know. and kind of dont want to know. I hate feeling like the bad guy. even if I was trying to make you better. even if. yet I am always like the bad guy. there is nothing left to talk between us. even if you say its comfortable silence. but it remains that I dont have anything to say to you. or I dont want to say anything to you. maybe.
I feel sad. and I dont know why. maybe its time to rethink.